God's Love

Sometimes I really think that I have a hard time understanding, or maybe that I can't understand, the love of my heavenly Father.

I grew up from the age of eight essentially without my father in my life. He could have easily been a part of my life, but for whatever reason, he chose not to be. Because of this, I think that the whole idea of a Father's love can be hard for me to grasp. I haven't experienced that here on earth, and that makes it hard to relate to, and at times I find myself intellectualizing God's love for me and not really feeling it, and not really being open to feeling it.

That's not to say that I've never felt God's love---I have---it's just been a while. And perhaps that is of my own doing.

Sometimes I have to sit down and be brutally honest with myself, and the brutal honest truth is that I suck at being a Christian. I consistently act selfish and prideful and greedy, and I fail miserably at being the perfectly good Christian woman that somehow some people seem to think I am. I am a complete and utter failure at this whole thing of "acting the part" of being a Jesus Freak. And it is completely my fault, because I get prideful and think I know what's up, and forget that I'm not supposed to be in control.

It's time to stop, reflect, study, pray, and let God make his amendments in my life. Instead of feeling guilt and shame for not living up to supposed expectations, and trying to control my behavior and my life to fit a mold, I need to let God be in control.

Yet that is so very hard to do.